It is by expressing our emotions that we find a life worth living. It is in sharing our weaknesses that we find strength. Yet, it is through vulnerability that we connect with others. Our culture has defined masculinity in these terms: Be independent and self-reliant, don’t depend on others be stoic and detached, don’t show or express emotion be strong, never show vulnerability or weakness. Instead of trying to connect through vulnerable sharing, traditional masculinity dictates that men win approval through their performance.” (Working with Difficult Men. Internationally known family therapist and author, Terry Real writes that, “At its core, traditional masculinity rests on two pillars: the rejection of vulnerability and the delusion of dominance. Tragically, this is the opposite message that most boys and men are hearing today. God has called us to live in loving connection with one another, not in isolation. And through the Holy Spirit we are given the power to be the body of Christ, dependent on each part to more fully reflect the image of God to the world (1 Corinthians 12). In Christ, we are instructed to remain connected to the vine (John 15:5) and shown how to remain connected to one another by the way we love one another (John 13:34). God is not a “lone wolf”, but instead has shown to be in community within the Trinity. Yet, this research has only given more data to what God has already revealed to us in Scripture. We need to help men realize that their lack of closeness with others has negative effects on every other aspect of their lives and our society as a whole. The research shows that when addressing men’s health, we need to look beyond just their level of exercise and diet, but we need to ask about their friendships and social support. (Hidden Brain: Guys, We Have a Problem: How American Masculinity Creates Lonely Men). It has been found that men with warm, close relationships live longer, have less chronic diseases, and have better health on average. These many years of research revealed a correlation between men’s social/emotional health and physical health. One particular study from Harvard has been running for 8 decades, focusing on the physical and emotional lives of men. We are getting a clearer picture of the negative effect this social isolation is having on men’s health. Men’s shrinking social connections has become a well researched and documented phenomenon. I am like a lone wolf- sometimes near others but always on the outskirts. I wish I had more close friends like I did when I was a kid, but it just feels impossible now. Man: I feel silly saying this, but I feel sad. I also have some men in the second and third circle, but they are really more casual friends and acquaintances with the husbands of deeper friendships my wife has with their wives.Ĭounselor: How do you feel now looking at this diagram? I have some guys I interact with a lot at work, but we rarely share anything personal or emotional. In the next circle, I have some family members, but our conversations usually stay pretty surface level. But, he and I really only talk once a month or so, but when we do, it’s just like old times. Man: In my inner circle, I only have two people- my wife and my best friend since 5th grade. Man: (After a few seconds of silence) I see very few names.Ĭounselor: Can you tell me a little about the people you did write down? The conversation I have next commonly sounds something like this:Ĭounselor: What stands out to you as you look at these circles? There are often very few names written down in any of the circles, with the fewest in the inner circle. A striking pattern arises as I do this exercise with men. Then, who would they put in the next circle outside of that, those that they feel close to, but not as strongly as their inner circle. I ask them to write the first names of those people they would put in their inner circle, meaning those people that they confide in the most and feel the closest too. I often ask them to draw three concentric circles, like a bullseye, to represent their social support. In nearly all these conversations, I ask the men about their social support system- who are their friends and family members with whom they are close. As a pastor and professional counselor, I have had the privilege over the past 20 years to have many men confide in me about their inner lives.
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